Tuesday, April 20, 2010

in the early

I woke up at 5am this morning feeling really sad. Last night at the baseball game I sat behind my parents and I felt guilty for my odd choices in life. I know they support me but I have pretty much walked away from everything they wanted for me, tons of formal education, a stable job, marriage, kids, the whole dream. I kind of feel like a disappointment. I feel really bad for my dad who has worked hard his entire life and is now struggling with his business. He has put his entire life into the business and I wish that it wasn't hurting him the way it is now. He is such a good man, the best man I know and it hurts me to know he is hurting. Same for my mom. They are such good people, I love them so much. I sat up for about an hour while the sun came up contemplating ways I could make their life easier for them but came up with nothing. It bummed me out.

My baby sister is in town. We went to dinner before the game. She is gorgeous and funny, she has no weight to her, everything in her life is very optimistic. She laughs easily. She is 22. I felt really old sitting across from her, and jaded. I am not as much as an optimist as I used to be. I am pretty cynical these days.

I may also be in a funk and the moon is waxing and around this time of the month I get sad and cranky. And none of my bras fit. And even chocolate doesn't satisfy me.

The poem a day prompt may assuage some of my crank-a-licious-ness. I'm to write a poem either about looking forward or looking back. Yesterday I wore a poem about how much of a klutz I am and I dig it. The poem, not the constant crashing into furniture.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

NO NO NO

You have been seeking your happiness to the best of your ability, just because you didn't follow the path your parents expected doesn't make you wrong. If you are trying to be happy then you are doing all you can for them and yourself.

The 22 year old Lizz is still inside, you just need to focus to bring her out, might be a little bit harder but you're stronger now too.

-an old ghost