Wednesday, May 12, 2010

the strangeness

It has been the strangest, most challenging week of my life. Last night I finally broke down and had a good, hard cry. I don't think there was anything else I could do, I didn't have any emotional energy left. Things just kept piling on all week, even yesterday, the day after the funeral, things kept piling on and I finally lost my shit. I've had insomnia, no appetite and just the weirdest week I can remember. Monday night I went out with Andy and was telling him about it, trying to gauge if I was over-reacting but he said no, and I trust everything he says so I felt better. In this week of shit, there has been one good thing.

I haven't really written anything, except for my grandfather's eulogy. I'm a little bummed because I was writing a lot, and writing things I really liked. I know, grieving and all that takes up a lot of space but I'm still frustrated that I've lost my momentum. I started one poem this weekend but it got away from me because I was sharing a bed with my mourning grandmother who kept waking up to ask me if I was okay. I know when everything settles I'll be fine and the writing will come again but I feel like I've lost my anchor and I hate feeling unhinged.

But, this will pass and I have things to look forward to. I have good friends and a sense of humor. I'm going to start journaling again. I'm going to go for a walk. I sound like a Hallmark card, which makes me realize I really need to get out.

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