Wednesday, June 16, 2010

the weirds

I'm deep in the weirds this week. I am truly struggling with money for the first time in a long time and I don't know how to feel about it. I don't really spend much money but I have expenses, rent, food, bills and I don't know how I'm going to pay them. I have a lot of time on my hands because I have no work but I'm not motivated to write. I've never had a traditional job, I don't know that I want one. But I may have to start looking for one. The thought of a normal job, clocking in, paychecks, hours of required commitment freaks me out and depresses me. I love painting, I wish I could paint every day and I wish people were hiring me. I should be more proactive about getting work. But, being in a funk doesn't help motivation. I know I'm moving towards a depressed state because I sleep way more than usual, even taking longs naps during the day. I'm going on a bike ride today to try and get my serotonin levels up. Also, I'm not eating enough fruit.

I had a long conversation with an old friend yesterday, it was comforting. He and I spent a couple of years not talking and in the last year we've reconnected and spend a few hours a month on the phone. He is into behavioral and evolutionary psychology as well and we can go off on long tangents because we have a compatible baseline knowledge of the subjects. Recently we've spent a lot of time discussing romantic love and how pop culture influences ideas of love. I confessed that when I'm feeling blue I always turn to Pride and Prejudice for comfort, even though the memes are the same I decry in popular culture. Maybe I should write a romance novel. Ick. I just grossed myself out even thinking that. But the conversation was illuminating, I even wrote down a couple of things he said to use in poems.

My nasturtiums are blooming, violet, white and pink. I have two orchid plants blooming, one indoor, one outdoor. The herbs I planted have started peeking through the earth, thread-fine shoots of dill and the little bumps of green that will unfurl into basil. I love sitting on my balcony. The hummingbirds are not too active yet, I doubt they're thirsty enough for artificial nectar when so much is naturally flowering. My rosemary is outgrowing the pot I have it in. There is a lot of color on the balcony. The crows have moved on to a neighborhood where the smaller birds aren't as aggressive, or maybe they've eaten their fill of babies. The mornings are gray.

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