Wednesday, July 21, 2010

see oh me

I have been in another strange place. I feel a little like I'm hovering over my body, not really living in it or experiencing anything. The weather has turned again, clouds, gray. My favorite season has cheated me out of the joy that comes with the sunshine and heat. I've been reading and staying quiet. I started a poem or two but just haven't had the energy to write. I haven't even been reading poetry. I sleep well, which is rare for me, but I welcome the peace that comes in the morning. I suppose there is an existential crisis hovering at the periphery. I don't know what to do next or what the next step is. I don't mind, but perhaps I should.

I'm going to Squaw Valley in a couple of weeks for the writing conference. I'm not even really looking forward to that. I don't have anything against meeting people but I've done the conference/workshop thing so many times. I always enjoy the actual work, the writing and critiques and I usually meet very cool people I can connect with. But there is a summer-camp superficiality to a lot of the friendships. A few creative people thrown together to a week in close quarters, with the same interests. Quickly intimate friendships are forged, late-night discussions, confessions, et al. Phone numbers and emails are exchanged with the best intentions of continued communication. And once home the friendships dissolve as quickly as they were made. I know this is an over-generalization, and I met couple of my best friends at a conference. But in general, temporary emotional investment is something I'm tired of. I want relationships that last, transform, grow.

Comic-Con starts tonight. I'll go, but only one day, and for part of one day. I remember going for the first time 16 years ago. My boyfriend at the time had a comic book company. We sat at a folding table in the indie press section, with other writers/artists sitting at folding tables. We were in the corner of the convention center and almost no one wandered to where were were. We sat around, chatting, drawing, playing dumb games. When someone would come to the table we would alienate them with out excitement. I don't remember anyone actually buying any comics from us. Now the Con is huge, too huge. It is barely tolerable. I go because I end up buying a few cool things, like my Yoda slippers or Chewbacca flash drive. I see folks I see only at the Con. I observe people. Then I get exhausted and leave.

No comments: