Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Hello, February

February has always been special to me. Maybe because my birthday is this month, but it doesn't make too much sense since I ever celebrated my birthday growing up. I think I enjoyed all of the pink hearts and candy in the stores, all the Valentines, even if I wasn't allowed to participate in the exchange of cards. I liked that I turned another year older.

When I was a kid I loved getting older as I thought people would take me more seriously. I was a braniac as a child, ridiculously well-read and obsessed with science. I was often frustrated when I wasn't taken seriously because I was a kid. I didn't like being a child, I found other children childish and immature and preferred the company of adults. Looking back I feel sorry for my little girl self, I wasn't really allowed or encouraged to be a child. But I don't bemoan the past. I'm grateful the isolation turned me introspective, creative.

Last night I had drinks and dinner with my good friend A, the therapist. I love our conversations, we crack each other up. I love picking his brain about behavior, boundaries and other little human interactions that fascinate me. Sometimes I consider going back to school to get my MFT. I love unraveling behavior to the root, the rebuilding that comes from it. A had a great quote about action and thoughts. I can't remember what he said but I agreed with it. We talked for a long while about the benefits of meditation. I try, I struggle. I make myself feel better by listening to a guided hypnosis several times a week. Settle brain waves, settle.

I dreamt of boats. I'd like to be on a boat.

Looking forward to seeing the Decemberists in a couple of weeks, they're my favorite band. I've had a brain-crush on Colin Meloy since I discovered the narrative ass-kicking his lyrics deliver, and the music moves me too.

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