Friday, March 4, 2011

moving

Much is moving in my life and I've been stuck in the eddies and whirlwinds that accompany change. I'm exhausted. My body is rebelling and not sleeping, needles have grown into my joints and I've been quietly morose. It'll pass. I haven't been very good to myself lately, too much drinking, smoking, late nights and giving. My generosity may be the death of me. On the other hand I'm selfish with the best parts of myself.

I was having a conversation a couple of nights ago with a good friend who is in mourning. My heart went out to him, knowing how devastation and heartbreak change the entire landscape of being. I told him, truthfully, that I feel I lost my best self years ago. I want to be that person but don't know if I ever can be. I've grown out of the numbness that accompanied my heartbreak, my hesitancy to love dissipated and I cautiously have been inching toward my ideal self.

32 came, a week ago. My birthday was a mixture of joy and chaos. I'm still recovering. I suppose it's fair to say the highs matched the lows. I'm left with an odd taste in my mouth. Looking forward. It was Love's birthday too and I think his birthday was rough as well.

I'm engrossed in A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness. I love fantasy books and this one has me dizzy. I wouldn't have started it had I known there would be a sequel only because I can't imagine we'll be getting the sequel for a while since this was just released last month. This book has made this week un-awful.

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