Thursday, August 11, 2011

busy, clenching, remembering

My days are endlessly busy lately. I'm on the go from waking until my head hits the pillow. I'm up before the sun and soon to bed not so long after it goes down. I'm enjoying my sleep these days, insomnia has gone away for now. I credit the weight-lifting, my body requires recovery after pushing itself to the limit and sometimes past. The writing is in the wings, waiting for stillness and a part of me aching with the effort it takes not to abandon the other responsibilities I need to focus on. The language is thick inside of me, silly as that may sound. When finally I do sit with freedom to write I know it will be a great release.

One issue issue I've been dealing with is TMJ. Never had it before until recently. My jaw has been aching for weeks and the last few days it began to make horrible crunching noises whenever I opened my mouth past a certain point Yesterday the pain was so pronounced I went to get acupuncture. Getting needles inserted and manipulated in the muscles of the jaw and neck hurts. I was yelping and groaning the entire time but I slept without clenching my jaw and this morning though there is a little bit f residual tension, I feel much better. I know I clench my jaw with stress. I have stressors I choose not to face and deal with. This has always been an issue with me, holding onto things. Apparently I hold on with my jaw, biting down so as not to let whatever is inside of me go. Writing usually helps but, not doing too much of that these days beyond the journaling and annotating what I'm reading.

I was looking at pictures of a couple of friends last night. Friends I cared deeply about but I decided my life was healthier without them in it. Sometimes that is such a fucking hard decision to make. Letting go. Outwardly our friendship with each other was great, but the strange ties and underlying tensions were going to come to a head one day and I walked away. But I miss them. I miss how they made me feel, dizzy with living, en pointe on a fine, dangerous edge.

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