Monday, April 8, 2013

love and a little peek backwards

I want to let you know I love my life.  I am so incredibly happy and productive these days. I have days that are tougher than others but over all, joy.

I moved into this apartment five years ago exactly. I was going through some shit. The man I was in love with at the time helped me move in and broke up with me immediately after, in the car, while I was driving. A word to the compassionate: don't do that. Don't break someone's heart while they are driving a beast of metal, oil and fire down the highway at 75 miles an hour. Anyway, I was devastated. Worst break-up ever, the kind that guts, splits your life into a definite before and after. But broken wasn't the worst thing to be, after all. Wounded was the worst shit, making poor decisions based on fear. That too passed. Not without mistakes, not without having to Hulk smash my ideas of who I was, but it passed.

I had afternoon drinks with my mom yesterday. She told me she loves seeing how happy I am. Happiness is a practice, I've realized, and so much of it is based in gratitude. I've heard that over and over through the years but when going through the river of crap and woeful navel-gazing, it doesn't click. Last year on my 33rd birthday I wrote those letters of gratitude on this blog. I kept up the practice of writing down my gratitude privately. It changes everything.

Years ago when I was in the muck, I spoke to someone who told me to keep myself surrounded by the kind of people I wanted to be. I think for many years I was confused. I was drawn to sharp intelligence and wit but with those minds came a ton of cynicism and negativity. Now most of that is out of my life and I can't believe what a difference it makes.

So, I am happy. And running very, very late for work. Good thing I make my own hours.

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