Tuesday, July 30, 2013

home, for now

I'm home. It feels good, hard, strange. I'm happy to be here, if only for a week before the next journey. The next one is the big big big one. As soon as I got home I started packing boxes, moving things, figuring out what to let go of, what to give away, throw away, clear.

The road home wasn't easy. It never is. I was so eager to be back that I pushed myself harder than was probably safe or wise. That last night I drove hard, through electrical storms, on winding highways, the only other vehicles on the road were trucks. I kept thinking to myself the next town, I'll stop at the next town. But I kept going, until I was so tired my legs were shaking and my hands were completely sweaty on the steering wheel. I finally pulled over in a little town late at night and rented a room. It was hard to sleep, I had so much road adrenaline in me. I finally slept and woke up too early and again pushed myself too hard to be home in the afternoon. I arrived, rankled and testy. I was frayed and jumpy. I took myself to the Korean Spa and soaked for an hour, trying to release but it didn't work. Now finally, two days later, I've landed back in my body and feel safe again. And I leave in a week.

My family is in transition in many ways these days. I'm a part of it but I'm watching my sisters go through big changes as well. Usually we're super close and spend a ton of time together but these days solitude and contemplation are our cycle. I miss my sisters and can't wait until we're back in each other's lives fully again, present.

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